So Karen has decided to leave me. I am hoping we can work things out but from the looks of it I’m not to sure. she use to tell me when we would get into that no matter what she will always love me and I will forever be her soul mate. Well this is day 4 of her not being here and her not answering my calls or text. I really messed up. I don’t know how to fix it but I’m going to try and do something because the love that we share is out of this world. It’s something thats is only in fairytale stories. Unfortunately I let the world get the best of me and I took my anger out on her.

She would get upset and I would think it was towards me because of how she was saying these things but it wasn’t. I let my emotions get the best of me and after a while I would do something no man should ever do. I’d tell her to stop and calm down and cut it out and she’s just a tad bit crazy and would keep goin because that’s just who she is. She’s a spicy fire cracker with a fuse that stays lit for a long time. I would get so frustrated that I would eventually put my hands on her in a not good way and I immensely regret that decision. I would see in her face the hurt and fear and I would feel bad immediately. I’d try to comfort her and she wouldn’t wanna be touched or talked to by me which I understand.

This has happened more than a few times. I have a demon in me. Something that explodes inside me. I’ve tried putting that demon to rest but it keeps coming back. She would always say it’s ok I understand I wasn’t listening or I wasn’t being nice or how she wasn’t doing something right. And I would always say baby it’s not ok and I’m sorry. Then she would say it again it’s ok babe and give me a smile that looked so sad and scared. Then she would lay down and snuggle up against my chest.

Im thinking about all of this now because for the past few days she’s been at a friends house and I’ve been doing a lot of thinking and reflecting on the 2 years we have been together. Now she’s been there and stuck by my side through some crazy shit. We’ve had plenty of good times and quite a few bad times as well. But it’s only recently the past 2-3 months it’s gotten really bad.

I am the biggest dumbest loser in the world right now and I regret not treating her like the queen that she is. I swear as long as I am alive I am making it my life mission to make her happy again. She deserves the world and I didn’t give it to her. I didn’t protect her. I didn’t make her feel safe. I didn’t make her always feel loved. I am only now realizing this because she is gone.

Damn. She is gone. I hate reading that. I’ve been laying in this bed in this room that is a mess because I just lost it. I couldn’t fathom or comprehend what had just happen. I’ve been crying non stop. Now I look scary on the outside and I look mean to most people. Decent size dude with tattoos and a mean mug that’ll make a lot of people scared. But to my little Karencita I dont wanna look that way. I want her to see me as her big ol teddy bear. Someone she can just come squeeze when she needs to and know that she’s safe.

We haven’t always been this way. When we first met it was I swear love at first site. She was a tiny little woman. I have videos of us just laying in her bed and just being cute as fuck. Excuse the language. Because we are the cutest couple I’ve ever seen. We would just randomly take videos of us cuddling and I would do something like pull her shirt down and she would look at me like I was crazy but with this smile that was just so unreal and bright. I forgot how much I love that smile. Her smile is immaculate. I always told her you know there is not one single word in this world that can describe you that’s how special you are to me.

I can’t stop thinking about her. Im just hoping she’s been thinking about me as well. I can literally go on for days and days and days talking about her. She is still my best friend even if she is angry with me right now. She knows she can always talk to me about anything in this world. I just wish she would tho. She’s a very private person and she likes to have her privacy which I understand. She’s been through a lot of bull shit in her life. I just hope that she logs in to this blog and reads these post I’ve made and sees that I’m sorry. Truly sorry for making her feel the way she does now. Im owning what I’ve done and I’m making a change. I am not really a religious person but the day after she left I started praying for her to just call me. When I start praying that’s how you know I am serious. Because I don’t do that. She knows me better than anyone in this world.

Man I miss her. I hope you read this baby and can see that I am extremely sincere in this. I can’t stand not talking to you and it’s made me realize I’m stupid for ever doing that. I will never lay a bad hand on you again. I will never call you another name. I will never say any mean thing to you again. I want to love you and cherish you and spend the rest of my life with you. I want nothing more than for you to look at me and say papi Timmy’s hungry. Lmao. Timmy is her knee that gets angry when she is hungry.

I love you Karencita. Lo siento mucho mami. I hope you reach out to me soon. If not I understand.

With all my heart and love D.

🖤